


The Flame That Burns Me

by AshlingRae



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-02-04 08:32:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12767091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshlingRae/pseuds/AshlingRae
Summary: Dan and Phil are not together. Really, they aren’t, despite what Dan wants. So then why is everything put at risk when Dan gets together with a fan? Everything is about to change for them, in a way they never expected.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter Summary: Dan fights with Phil, over something dumb as always, but Phil’s message to Dan is clear. We’re not together. With that fresh in his mind, he seeks comfort from a fan.
> 
> Whole Fic Warnings (all may not apply to this chapter): Swearing, aggression, mentions of alcohol, mentions of sex, sensual scenes (no smut)

It all started over Ribena.

Dan made his way to the check out counter, head down. Nowadays more than ever, he tried to avoid being seen. He never knew who could be watching, who might realize that he lives nearby. He placed his items in front of the cashier in silence.

“How are you today, si- oh?” the woman behind the register stopped mid-sentence. Dan looked up to face her.

She was pretty, without a doubt. Fair skin with a dusting of freckles, hair dyed a very trendy silver-lavender. Her green eyes contrasted against her hair and it made them intense. Still, it only took Dan a moment to compose himself. He pleaded with his own eyes, don’t tell anyone who I am.

Realization washed over her face and she snapped back into her cashier-voice.

“Good afternoon, I’m Bethany. Find everything alright today, sir?” Dan didn’t miss the way she subtly leaned forward, pressing her arms to either side of her chest emphasizing the curve where her breasts met. He chuckled to himself, just grateful that she was playing along.

“I’m well, thanks!” Dan replied. Bethany bagged his things, a slight blush rising from her neck to her jawline. She smiled to herself.

This was not a typical meeting with a fan. Dan is usually quite adept at turning on the professionalism, offering hugs and selfies, and a few short words of gratitude before moving on with his day. But this was in his own neighborhood. He’d probably return to this store, maybe even see Bethany again. And she was so pretty.

“Ahem,” Dan cleared his throat. He did not mean to seem impatient, but he knew that’s how it came across.

“Just a moment,” Bethany said. She ripped the receipt from the machine and turned around with a marker. Dan focused his gaze on his phone, checking twitter while she marked the back. A website for the survey, Dan thought. “Receipt in the bag?”

“Yes, please.” Dan took the bags with one hand and, deciding to humor her, gave a brief salute with two fingers as he said, “Have a good one.” He turned away smiling.

___

Back at the flat, Dan heaved the groceries onto the table in the dining room.

“Phil,” he called out. “I got macaroons!” He knew how to get Phil running in to help put food away.

“You’re amazing,” Phil said as he rounded the corner.

“That’s your brand, Phil.” Dan set the Shreddies in the top cupboard, giggling at his own joke.

“Ah-ha-ha,” Phil mocked. He opened bags until he found the small coconut pastries and popped open the box. He tossed one into the air and caught it in his mouth, by some miracle. Dan just barely saw as he turned around.

“Much better than the last time when it bounced off your tooth and into my soup,” Dan quipped.

Phil glanced over the receipt as he chewed. He turned it over in his hand, and choked when he saw a hand-scrawled note on the back. He coughed until he was sure he could breathe again. Through his laughs, he read aloud.

“Call me if you break up with Phil. Wink face,” Phil sputtered, showing it to Dan. “Who’s Bethany?”

Dan snatched the note in an instant, reading it three times in disbelief.

“I think that was the cashier’s name at Tesco. She recognized me, but she didn’t say anything,” Dan explained. He was dumbfounded, awaiting Phil’s reaction. Phil grinned one last time, and went on searching through bags. Dan sighed in relief, continuing the task of clearing the counter tops.

However, as they danced around one another in the quiet of their kitchen, Dan began getting annoyed at Phil’s lack of response. He should give a shit if strange women were hitting on him. Their whole careers were tied together with this united front they presented, and this could jeopardize that. Dan would be ticked if it were the other way around. Of course, their careers would be the least of his reasons to be jealous.

When all the bags were empty, Phil stopped.

“Dan, where’s the Ribena?”

Dan paused, then lifted the empty plastic as if a bottle might magically appear underneath one.

“Ugh,” he huffed. “I forgot it.”

“You forgot it?” Phil scolded. “I literally asked you to go to the store, because we were out of Ribena. And you bring back everything but Ribena!” Normally this could go the way of friendly banter. Any other day it might have. But Dan was feeling like he already had an exposed nerve and the catch in Phil’s voice was grating at it.

“Hey, don’t blame me like that. You could have come with me!” Dan bit back. He rustled the grocery bags as he tossed them into the bin.

“I’ve been editing our gaming video all day and dreaming of Ribena,” Phil said with finality. He snapped the bags out of the bin behind Dan and shoved them in a cupboard beside him where they store them for later use, banging the wooden door harshly.

“Oh come off it,” Dan turned. “You can have water.” He reached for a glass and began running the sink, an attempt at making peace despite his tone of voice. Phil’s hand reached around him, brushing past his waist and across to turn the faucet off.

“I don’t want any water,” he spit. Phil made a move for the archway, every intention to leave the room and come back later when tensions were fading. Just before he stepped out, Dan spoke again.

“Is this really about the drink mix?” He said it, and it was out there. On some level, he regret it already. He didn’t want this to be a bigger tiff than it had to be. Deeper, Dan hoped he was right. He wished that the note got to Phil, because that might mean something.

“What are you on about?” Phil answered, turning slowly, exasperated.

“Are we really fighting about the Ribena or is something else bothering you?” Dan stood his ground, looking his friend in the eye. He hid his trembling hands behind his back.

“Look, we’re not lovers, so let’s stop fighting like it,” Phil said, his tone sour.

Unable to hold them still any longer, Dan ran his hands through his fringe, brushing it back from his forehead.

“Is this about Bethany?”

Phil let out a breath, a cold laugh that was nearly inaudible.

“You can fuck whoever you want, mate,” Phil said as he turned around and left Dan to deal with the black hole forming in his chest.

\---

Dan sat on the hardwood floor of his bedroom, resting against the door. He hadn’t been able to walk any further before dropping to the ground.

It wasn’t quite a crisis. It wasn’t existential. It was only that Dan realized that after all the years spent with Phil, he still wasn’t on track to getting what he really needed. He had spent so many years alone in hopes that Phil may some day feel the same, but it only left Dan here. Lonely, irritable, and touch-starved. He realized when Phil brushed him that this was the most touch he had received from another person in weeks, and it wasn’t even loving.

Dan knew that he could have love if he wanted. There were millions of fans who would love to have him, albeit most of them not an appropriate partner for him. Point is, he had done so much work on himself in recent years and now he knew he was worthy of love. And if Phil couldn’t love him, someone else would.

It all sounded nice in his head, but the reality sunk heavy in his heart. Tears rolling down his cheeks, he knew he just needed someone. He needed to feel appreciated, and connected to another human on a physical level. Of course, he knew he wasn’t in a place to look for love this very second. He knew that would only end badly, but Dan always felt that love and sex didn’t have to come together. Dan knew he just needed a quick fuck.

His mind drifted back to Bethany. The way her hair grazed her elegant shoulders, and the smirk on her lips when she pushed her breasts together for him. He pulled his phone out and punched in the number she jotted on the back to the paper. His heart quickened pace as the line began to ring, unsure of what exactly he would say.

“Hello?” she answered in a confused tone. She didn’t know his number.

“I’m not with Phil,” Dan started immediately. “I mean, Phil and I were never..” Dan trailed off, leaving her to fill in the blank.

“Dan Howell,” she realized. “Do you want to visit for a drink then?”

He mumbled a yes and took down her street address. He slipped on his shoes and, grabbing his keys from his bedside table, skated out the front door without a word. 

Dan didn’t have to catch a train to get to her flat. She lived close enough that the walk was almost too quick. It didn’t give him enough time to reconsider before he was knocking on her door. The knob turned slowly and the door swung open wide. Bethany was there behind it, a wide toothy smile graced her face. Her hair was darker, wet from a shower after her work day. However, Dan noticed she was wearing jeans and a top. She had gotten dressed for him.

“Come in, Dan!” She said, toweling the last of her hair and gesturing inside with her free hand. Dan stepped inside.

The flat was still in the neighborhood, but much more modest than his own to say the least. It opened into her living room, which featured an unfolded futon with bedding, taking up much of the floor space.

“It’s an efficiency-” she started. “I’m not just a creep, I promise. Kitchen is over there, bathroom is through that way.” She made vague gestures as she set her towel on the radiator.

Dan grunted approvingly as he looked around. The symbolism was not lost on him, how he stepped directly through the front door of her apartment and into her most intimate space.

“So,” she said, snapping Dan out of his headspace. “White wine or red?”

“White, I guess.” Dan chuckled, unsure of how he found his way here or how to proceed. Bethany turned towards the kitchen door and waited for Dan to follow.

Dan sat hesitantly on a stool next to the breakfast bar, which was really the only space to sit anyway. Bethany pulled two wine glasses from the dish drainer and a bottle out of her fridge.

“How’s Phil tonight?” she said, topping Dan’s glass and setting the wine aside.

“Good, good. He’s good.” Too many goods. Dan realizes that she noticed when her lips squished into a line. “He’s not spectacular,” he admit.

“I see,” she said. “So that’s why you’re here tonight?” Her tone was non-judgemental, and she swirled her glass lightly, patiently awaiting his answer.

“I don’t know,” he said. He paused then, uncertain. “Is this weird? I feel like this is really weird. You’re obviously a fan and I don’t want you to think I’m trying to take advantage.”

Bethany grinned.

“I am a fan, but look around. I’ve got my own place. I’m 22. I know what I’m doing,” she leaned in a little closer, quite a feat for this already cramped kitchen. “I want this.”

She held there, mere centimeters from his face. Dan could feel his face being pulled to hers like gravity. Slowly drifting to one another, but accelerating the closer they became.

Her lips were soft and gentle. Easily pressing against his own, and as she grew in confidence, he too tossed his hesitations to the side. Dan rested his hand on her jaw and cradled her face to his. He had forgotten what kissing was meant to feel like, but his heart was pounding, and his breath was coming quickly, and he didn’t want it to stop.

They stood up together and backed out into the living area. Bethany pushed his jacket over his shoulders until it fell to the floor. Dan placed his hands to her hips and with the smallest push, she eagerly fell onto the futon for him.


	2. Ch. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan wakes up the morning after, leaving Bethany to reconcile with Phil.

A stream of orange light radiated past gently wafting curtains, through the window and onto Dan’s face. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and took a moment to appreciate the way dust glimmers in the air in the light of mid-morning. 

Dan could feel the softness of the bed sheets all down his body. They curled around him, forming a cocoon. The protection of sleep.

The safe feeling would not last long. With dawn came the reality that Dan was not home. He rolled over in the bed, pulling the fabric along with him and bleary-eyed, looked at the clock on the side table. 11:00am, it blinked.

Shit.

Dan sprang upright to face Bethany, staring back at him with a coffee mug in hand, smiling gently.

“Morning,” she said, sipping patiently.

Dan rubbed his head, an ache already beginning to form. It wasn’t the alcohol. He didn’t get drunk last night. It was only the heavy knowledge of what he’d done. Or rather, who.

He had sex with a fan. A fan he barely knew. He slept at her house, in her bed with her by his side. The dull ache in his head gave way to a nauseated stomach, remembering the events of the night prior.

It was good. It was so good. But Dan felt so wrong, so guilty. He couldn’t identify why. Suddenly the feeling of her sheets on his bare skin reminded him of betrayal.

“I have to go,” he said all too quickly. He glanced around the room catching sight of his clothes strewn about the floor a few paces away. He stood and dragged the sheet along with him, doing his best to cover his naked body, not caring that Bethany had already seen it all.

She set her cup down and Dan watched her face fall to concerned confusion. He dropped the cloth to slip on his pants.

“Go? What, big day planned, or..?” she trailed off.

“I’ve got to go talk to Phil, we were fighting and I just,” he paused. “I shouldn’t have left.” Dan managed to pull his jumper over his head and now searched frantically for his phone. He tossed the sheets back on the futon when it went flying out onto the floor.

“You mean you shouldn’t have come here,” Bethany said. Her tone was flat, empty.

“Look, I just,” Dan started, looking her in the eye for the first time all morning. He noticed when her eyes glazed over, staring into space. “Fuck it, I’m too far in it with you now anyway. I love Phil, alright?” It came out harsher than he meant it. “I love him, and we were fighting. And he told me I could have sex with whoever, and I did. And I’m sorry for being such a fuck up and pulling you into this, but now I need to go, make sure my friendship is still in tact.”

As Dan finished his monologue, slipping his phone into his pocket and checking for his keys, the room fell silent. Bethany combed her fingers through her hair and pushed it back from her face. She sat threateningly still.

“Dan, I mean, Phil is great and I hope you’re still friends but,” her voice was shaky. “But god damn it, I said ‘Call me if you break up with Phil’ not ‘Call me for a one-night-stand and then leave me for Phil in the morning.’“ She was angry, and she had every right to be. Dan knew that much.

“I, I’m sorry,” he said as he turned her door knob. “I’m so, so sorry.” He shut the door behind himself and hurried down the stairs.

This was not who Dan was. Or at least, it was not who he wanted to be. He never pictured himself running out on a person the morning after. He never thought he was capable of breaking someone’s heart.

He should have asked her what it meant to her. He knew that now, but at the time it just seemed so clear that they were on the same page. His feet fell heavy on the pavement. He stopped in his tracks when he realized he didn’t actually know the best way home from here. Oh right, he thought, ‘cause it was my first time even at her flat.

Dan knew what he should have done, but he couldn’t very well go back in time and undo the night before. And he also knew that even if he tried to make something out of it, he couldn’t love her right now while Phil was on his mind. He opened his phone and thanked the god he didn’t believe in that he had 50% battery. He set Google Maps to “Home” and let the calm feminine voice lead him back.

Dan finally made it back to his flat and he turned the key in the door knob slowly. He hoped Phil wouldn’t be awake yet. He hadn’t messaged him after all, so for all he knew, Phil may think he is asleep in his room and all was well.

When he opened the door, however, he found Phil sitting on the sofa with a bowl of dry cereal. It looked full, untouched. Phil snapped his head around quickly.

“Dan!” Phil stood to greet him. “I hope you got some time to clear your head.” Dan could see the bags under Phil’s eyes. His friend hadn’t slept well, if at all. He tossed his keys in the bowl by the door.

Dan stuck his hands in his pockets. With the anxiety pulsing in his throat, he didn’t know what else to do with the lanky things. He couldn’t swallow the lump for fear of crying, so he kept his mouth shut.

“I really overreacted,” Phil began. “I mean, really, it was just Ribena. That was stupid.”

It was nice to hear Phil apologize, but it still wasn’t what Dan had hoped to hear. It still stung that Phil’s anger yesterday was all over fucking juice.

“Yeah,” Dan managed to choke out. “Yeah, it was dumb.”

Dan could tell his face was betraying his emotions. He felt his lips quivering, and the water pooling at the edge of his eyes. Phil saw. He recognized the look in his eyes that he’d seen so many times before, the look Phil gets when he just wants to fix everything for Dan, but he can’t.

“And listen,” Phil said as he took a hesitant step forward. “It really had nothing to do with that shop girl. I know there’s nothing going on between you.”

The lump in Dan’s throat became so painful all at once, a tear escaped his waterline. He wiped it quickly with his sleeve.

Phil closed the distance and wrapped his arms around Dan’s shoulders. Dan snaked his hands behind Phil’s back and grasped at his his own elbows, savoring the warmth of Phil’s hug. He was near sobbing now, leaning his face into the crook of Phil’s neck.

“Wow, you must’ve had quite a night,” Phil whispered, trying to lighten the mood as always. “I’m still here, there’s no need for this. We’re good.”

Dan chuckled, trying to pull himself together for Phil’s sake. He must look truly crazy from Phil’s point of view, leaving for the night and returning in hysterics over a fight over Ribena. Dan sniffed back what he could and let out an awkward laugh, pulling away from Phil to see his face. He dried his tears again.

“Where did you even go anyway?” Phil asked. Dan could hear it in his voice, the effort it took Phil to sound casual, curious, not worried or accusing.

“Just to Louise,” Dan answered quickly. He broke out of the hug, turning his back to seem casual. An attempt to regain some dignity. He pressed the nails of his fingers into the palm of his hand, hoping just a little pain will ground him. Center him in the here and the now.

Yet, all he could imagine was the taste of her lips, the wine in her breath. Flashes of the night before flooded him all at once. Her eyes in the moonlight. The sound of her pleasure.

Thing is, there was a reason for the hysterics. But Phil could never know.


	3. Ch. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan receives a phone call from Bethany that turns his world upside down.

Two weeks had passed since Dan slept with the intriguing fan from Tesco. His life had returned to somewhat normal as he expertly pushed the dread to a small corner of his brain, locking it away and forgetting the combination as best he could. Phil stopped bringing up that night. Dan was pretty sure that Phil hadn’t forgotten. Every now and then he could see the flicker of wonder and anxiety cross behind his pale eyes. He was grateful that Phil was good at keeping his mouth shut, far better than he.

It was a quiet Tuesday afternoon, at least as quiet as it could be given the way the duo chose to spend their time.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Dan yelled. “Shit sandwich on a croissant!” He tilted his controller despite not using tilt controls. The tiny mii on screen drove the car off of Rainbow Road.

“Ha!” Phil taunted. “I finally got you!” Phil raised his arms in victory while Dan bit the side of the controller, a habit he picked up from Phil himself.

“Phil, we’re supposed to be teaming up and placing first and second,” he whined. Dan had returned his glare back to the screen. He shut out the world and stared at the track. 7th place, only 6 people to pass.

“How many times have I told you,” Phil giggled. “In Mario Kart it is every man for himself.”

Dan didn’t answer him. He had returned to the state of mind he affectionately referred to as his “element”.

A chime played and danced somewhere distant in Dan’s mind.

“Your phone,” Phil said, at first keeping his focus on the screen in front of him. The tone continued. “Mate, your phone is ringing.”

Dan continued to shut out Phil’s voice, and the phone along with it. Phil sighed in exasperation, looking between them to see Dan’s phone lit up with a name.

Bethany

“Dan,” Phil said. Hearing his name snapped Dan out of his trance. He looked towards his phone and caught sight of the call, raising his gaze to meet Phil’s eyes. Phil could see the panic setting in as Dan snatched the offending device and stumbled out of the living room.

“Hello?” Phil heard Dan say as he retreated.

All at once, Phil’s suspicions from the past weeks had been confirmed. Dan had been talking to Bethany. He could feel his heart drop from his throat to the very bottom of his chest, but he didn’t know why. Phil mindlessly rose from the sofa and followed Dan’s path to his bedroom, as if his body was no longer his and the real Phil was just along for the ride.

When he heard Dan’s voice, he stopped just outside the door.

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea, I’m sorry.” Dan said into the phone. His voice was pained.

“It’s not a date, trust me,” Bethany said on the line. Her tone came through, a cross between sarcasm and agony. Dark humor. “I just- really need to talk to you in person.” Her voice turned somber.

Dan huffed. Every bone in his body ached to run. He wanted to hang up the phone and retreat into nothing. He’d spent two weeks trying to forget what he’d done. The shame of running last time is all that kept him tethered to reality, to this phone call with her.

“I can’t,” he concluded. “I can’t hurt you anymore. It wouldn’t be right.”

“Oh my god, Dan,” she spit. “It’s not like that it’s,” Irritation scratching the edges of her speech.

Dan could hear a thick sigh crackle through the receiver.

“I’m late,” Bethany said.

Silence.

“I took a test and it was positive.”

Silence.

“I’m pregnant,” she repeated.

Dan’s world crashed around him. The quiet of the room eerie, like there should be dramatic background music where there was only a small shift in the floorboards.

“You’re serious?” Dan prodded.

“Yes I’m fucking serious,” she snapped.

“Sorry, I’m fucking stupid. Just,” he took a moment to compose the thoughts spiraling. “You’re really pregnant…”

Phil heard Dan’s words through the cracked door.

Confusion overcame him like a landslide. Why would she tell Dan she was pregnant? They only met a couple weeks ago. Surely they hadn’t become that close. To the best of his knowledge, Dan hadn’t spoken to Bethany since the day they met at the store, since the day they argued and Dan left to- oh.

Oh.

Phil pushed the door gently, swinging it open. He watched Dan’s hand shaking by his side.

Dan’s eyes flitted to meet Phil’s in the silence that hung heavy in the room.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll, um,” he raised his other hand to the phone as well, concealing it quickly. “I’ll drop by.” He clicked the red circle on the screen and stared at it until the screen went black, reflecting his vacant face back to him.

“Dan?” Phil tested. He took a step inside the room. Dan took a step away, backed himself onto his bed and sat down, still staring at his own face, but he didn’t recognize it as himself.

“She’s pregnant,” he said out loud, to no one in particular.

“Yeah?” Phil asked. On some level, he knew the implications. He tentatively sat down beside Dan on the bed. He knew that his questioning was just a feeble attempt at clinging to hope that he was wrong.

“And it’s mine, Phil. Damn!” Dan stood up with more force than he’d shown in the last two weeks. It caused Phil to lose his balance in the readjustment of weight spread out across the mattress. He put a hand down to steady himself.

“Dan, when did you?”

“You already know the answer, don’t make me say it out loud.”

“Maybe I need you to say it out loud because I can’t freaking believe you!” Phil snapped. His stomach was twisting and he didn’t know why, but he knew it was Dan making him feel this way.

“Have it your way then,” Dan retorted. “I called Bethany that night, and I went over, and we had sex. Are you happy now?” Dan was pacing circles around the room, his nervous energy only building all the while.

Phil stood up to look at him face to face.

“Dan, why would you do that?!” he shouted, stopping Dan in his tracks.

“Why? Maybe because she was nice and pretty, and maybe because I hadn’t been touched for fucking years before this. And maybe, just a bit,” Dan gestured a wide gap between his thumb and forefinger, “because I was pissed at you!” He threw his arms in the air.

“Really though Dan?” Phil clasped his hands on his head. “And now she’s pregnant? What are we gonna do?”

“What do you mean ‘what are we gonna do’, what am I gonna do?”

“Oh, come on. We do everything together, we’re,” Phil raised his fingers in air quotes “‘Dan and Phil’ remember? Don’t pretend this doesn’t affect me too!”

Dan scoffed at Phil’s audacity. Here he was, in the worst crisis of his life, and it was the one time Phil couldn’t focus on Dan and what he was going through.

Dan clenched his fists.

“Yes Phil, this affects you too, so let’s make it all about you then! That makes sense!”

Phil stomped his foot hard on the floor, angry to have those words put in his mouth.

“That’s not what I said! I just mean we’d have to change so much. Forget the tour, ‘cause you’d have to be here. Forget all of the projects we have planned!”

“’Cause that’s what this is about, right. Business. Don’t forget, this would mean a person- a real human person- that I’d be responsible for. Don’t you think that’s a little more salient right now?” Dan turned his back. He felt like he was searching for something, but he wasn’t sure what.

“I’m not saying it’s not! I’m just trying to process this, okay?!” Phil’s voice went high pitched, his hands raised to either side like he was trying to stop the world from spinning for just a moment.

“Well can you not? Because I can’t process it with you near me right now,” Dan spit.

Phil didn’t move an inch. Dan saw his keys and snatched them.

“Dan, please don’t go,” Phil planted his feet where he stood in the doorway.

Dan walked toward him, but Phil was not budging. Without a pause, Dan plowed through Phil, hitting his left shoulder hard with his right and Phil stumbled backwards against the wall.

As he sunk to the floor, Phil heard the front door slam shut.

He raised his hand to the place where Dan’s shoulder collided with his, an ache already beginning to form deep within the bruised muscle. A chill passed through his body, from his toes all the way up into his chest, leaving him shaking.

Still, Phil stayed on the ground, the hardwood pressing up on his legs, and the drywall pressing into his back being the only support he could get. The sensation, although unpleasant, kept him focused on the cold. Yet his mind still wandered to Dan’s lips, and how they might look pressed against someone else’s.

The short walk had done its best in calming Dan down, to the point where he was no longer fuming. He knocked at the door he’d only seen once, and it still felt too formal for the situation.

Bethany answered in pajama bottoms and a bleach-spotted night shirt and waved him inside.

Unsure of himself, but trying his best to do what is right, Dan leaned in to hug her and she wrapped her arms around his body, pressing her face into his chest. She sniffled a bit as they parted, laughing through the tears and gestured for him to take a seat on the futon. It was folded up into a sofa today.

“I’m sorry,” she said as she wiped the eyeliner from beneath her lashes and smiled awkwardly again.

“You don’t have to apologize for crying,” he said.

“Not for that,” she replied. “Just, for everything else.”

Dan allowed that apology to sit in the air for a moment, choosing to stare into the middle distance while he thought it over.

“That either,” he decided. “I mean, it’s my fault too. I just assumed you were, on something, I don’t know. I wasn’t really thinking about-”

“I am,” she cut him off. “I was, I mean. I was also taking this herbal supplement to help with my depression. St. Joseph’s Wart or something.” Bethany reached for her tea on the side table and warmed her hands on the mug. “I didn’t know they interacted.”

Dan nodded slowly.

“So,” he began. “What happens now?” He let that suffice, not wanting to ask the toughest question of them all. Not directly, at least.

“I want you to know I’m not asking you for anything.” Bethany said. She took a deep breath. “But, I’ve decided I am going to have this baby. I know we don’t know each other well, but I think you could be a really good father, if you want to be.”

Dan thought about it. There was going to be a baby. He had no choice in that. The extent of his decision-making on that front ended when he had sex without protection. He had always believed that, and this changed nothing.

His child would be out in the world, and now his only decision left was whether he wanted to be there for it all.

“You can be involved or not,” she repeated.

“I want to,” he said suddenly. He didn’t take time to consider it. He didn’t need to. Dan knew that if he was going to have a child in the world, he would do what it took to be the best father for them.

They would deserve that much.

“You can think it over, you know.” She was uncertain of his easy commitment.

“I don’t need any more time,” Dan assured. “If you’re in this, then we’re in this together, okay?” He waited for her gaze to reach his eyes.

“Okay,” Bethany said with a gentle smile.

“Is there anything you need? Have you seen a doctor or anything?”

“I’ve got an appointment,” she said. “I mean, I’ll need a lot of things. But at the moment I’ve got it under control. We’ve got some time.”

Dan sighed and nodded again. They sat beside one another, legs brushing up against each other as they both looked out into the room. Dan laid his hand out on his knee, offering it to her.

Bethany grasped it slowly, cupping them together. It was awkward. Dan knew it. He barely knew Bethany, truth be told. But she needed him now. And he needed her.

She was all he had right now.


	4. Ch. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan has learned that Bethany, long time fan and his one-night-stand, is pregnant. He knows where he stands with her, but where does this leave him and Phil?

Dan wandered into the flat at half past ten at night. The lounge was dim, lit by a single scented candle, moonlight, and the screen off Phil’s laptop shining back at his somber face. Dan shut the door behind him, turning the handle to check its security.

He nearly tip-toed into the room, unsure where to begin with Phil.

Phil had been so odd lately, Dan realized. He couldn’t pinpoint why, but there had been a growing distance between him and his best friend that tore him up inside.

With significant effort to seem casual, Dan plopped onto the sofa next to Phil. He could see the conflict flash behind his eyes, whether to look at him or maintain glued to his screen. The latter won out.

Dan sighed deeply. Yes, Phil was royally pissing him off, but Dan was sick of the fighting. He just wanted this to be over with. He loved Phil. In every possible way, and despite everything they’ve been through as of late, he loved Phil. And he just wanted to make everything okay again.

“So,” he began. “Do you want to know how it went?”

He waited for a response. Phil stopped scrolling, but didn’t look up to meet his gaze.

“I suppose you have to learn sooner or later. In the interest of getting, whatever this is,” he gestured between them, “over with as soon as possible, I’ll just tell you. Bethany is pregnant. It’s mine. She’s keeping the baby. I’m going to be as involved as I can be.”

Dan spoke with a tone of finality, as he figured that is what set Phil off.

“I bet she’s playing you,” Phil said, monotoned.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He tried to keep his voice in check, despite his use of language.

“It means I think she’s lying. You said she recognized you, yeah?” Phil looked up at him for the first time all night. “She probably knows this is the only way to get you to stick around.”

“Phil, what the hell? Since when have you been the type of guy to accuse women of lying about this stuff?” By now, the edge of Dan’s voice was beginning to crack, the overwhelm of the day weighing down on him. Home should be where that weight lifts, and Phil has always been the one to help him lift it. It isn’t like that anymore.

“I’m just looking out for you, mate. And I don’t trust her,” Phil said.

“Trust her?” Dan scoffed. “You don’t know her like I do.”

“You mean I didn’t chat with her for five minutes, have sex, then not speak to her for weeks? You’re right, I don’t know her like you do.”

Dan stood up off the sofa now, the tension in his body rising, and he found himself in need of shifting the dynamic of power between them. He had to be above Phil.

“Watch what you say, Phil!” He shouted. “This could be the mother of my child!”

Phil kept himself planted right where he was, two fingers falling back on his track pad and continuing to scroll. He laughed under his breath.

“Could be,” he said. A reminder of the uncertainty even in Dan’s choice of phrasing.

Dan had enough. He paced the room one more time, and put his hands on his hips. He looked over at Phil, who kept his eyes trained to Twitter in front of him. He refused to even look at Dan now.

“What’s your problem anyway, man? This isn’t you,” Dan said, shaking his head.

“My problem? Right now, I think you’re my problem! Going around and sleeping with random girls and screwing up everything!”

In all his life, Dan had never felt more alone. Not when he left for college, not before when all his friends liked other people more than him. It was now. He was scared, confused, and unsure of himself. He needed Phil now more than ever, but it seemed that every word out of his mouth only pushed him further away.

Dan could feel his anger simmering into something else. Tears threatened the corners of his eyes and he blinked them back. He sniffed hard to keep his nose from dripping.

All at once, Dan realized he hadn’t cried yet. Not since he came home after his first fight with Phil, after how desperately he hoped to keep it all a secret from him. Now there was no turning back. He could never undo this fault he created between them. 

The room was spinning. Dan realized how his breath was coming in jagged and pained. It burned at the back of his throat. Around the sides of his vision, a haze of blue circled and began closing in. He fell to his knees.

Phil only looked up from his lap top when he heard kneecaps crack against the hardwood. “Dan?”

No amount of blinking could keep Dan from crying now. He regret it already, letting it all go in front of Phil. He wished he could have made it to his own room, held on to the anger a little longer. Now that it had begun, much like opening floodgates, he couldn’t control himself.

Phil brushed the laptop off his legs swiftly. He could see the red of Dan’s face, regardless of how he tried to hide it behind his hands. He raced across the room to meet Dan there on the floor. Phil pulled him in close to his chest.

He couldn’t bear to see Dan cry.

“I didn’t mean it,” he said. “I’m sorry. Don’t cry.” Phil was damn near petting Dan’s head, flattening the curls into a lumpy mess.

“I’m so fucked, Phil.” Dan wiped his sleeve across his upper lip. “And you, I couldn’t. You just,” he couldn’t finish the sentence.

“I’ve been selfish, I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Phil felt a tear stain down his cheek as well. He watched as it fell into Dan’s curls, dripping through like a meandering river until it soaked in.

“It’s just that,” he started. “I know it’s worse for you. I do. But I’ve been so worried for me too. What am I gonna do without you?” Phil cried.

“What do you mean?” Dan asked, gaining his composure. “I’m right here.”

“Yeah, but for how long? You’re gonna have a family, Dan. And you’re gonna leave me. I can’t stand that!”

Phil hadn’t considered it until that moment. He could feel the wall he had been building tumble and crash around the two of them on the floor.

Dan chuckled dimly, his breath had slowed enough to see the humor in what had crossed his mind.

“We’re not lovers,” he said, repeating Phil’s words from a few weeks prior. “So let’s not fight like we are.”

He waited for Phil to laugh. He hoped that it would be a classic Dan thing to say, and it would brighten the mood just a bit. Time passed and Phil had yet to say a word. Dan turned his head to see Phil’s face, twisted up with nerves.

“Maybe we should be,” he said finally. Phil traced his hand down Dan’s arm, feeling the warmth of his skin.

“Phil?”

Dan looked up into his eyes, reflecting his genuine intent. But he was wavering, his pupils flicking back and forth quickly to avoid Dan’s gaze. He could see the fear run across his eyes, the inability to step back off the ledge. It was the moment in cartoons between when the animal realizes they’ve walked off a cliff and just before they begin to fall.

Dan’s chest tightened once again, not in anguish but an anxious excitement that comes right before doing something bold.

He sat upright and turned to face Phil, lifting his hand to fit over the slope of his jaw tenderly. Phil looked him in the eye then, and when Dan leaned in close to him, he met his kiss.

It was slow, and uncertain. Dan brushed his lips gently over Phil’s, testing the water, unable to dive. He pulled back almost imperceptibly, just enough that their lips were no longer pressed together and Phil could feel his breath, warm and heavy.

Phil closed the distance and their noses bumped together. He was insistent, needy.

Phil realized how his heart was beating faster and he raised his hand to graze against the prickly hair on the back of Dan’s head. He opened his mouth and ran his fingers down to curl at the back of Dan’s neck as Dan took the opportunity to slip past his lips.

Dan grabbed Phil by the shoulder, twisting around and pushing him down to the floor, hovering above him as they made out.

“Is this okay?” Phil whispered as he broke the kiss off. “Are you sure about this?”

“I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life,” Dan responded urgently. He slid his hand from Phil’s shoulder, down his chest and across his abdomen. He worked his hand underneath his shirt and gripped him on the hip, keeping him where he wanted him as Phil lifted his head to meet Dan’s mouth once again.

Phil woke first, his bleary eyes blinking in the dim light of the early morning. His arm tingled, numb. He followed his awareness from the tips of his fingers, to the weight of Dan’s head on his bicep, and the warmth of his skin against his bare chest. He shifted slightly and the luxurious faux fur blanket skimmed against his body from his shoulder to his knees, leaving his feet frozen.

He shimmied as best he could, trying to escape the sofa without waking Dan. He stumbled as his leg got caught in the blanket and ripped completely off Dan’s naked body. He stirred at the heavy thump of Phil’s heel on the hardwood floor.

“Phil?” he asked, rubbing his eye with the pad of his hand. Phil turned back to him and leaned down.

“I’m just going to make some coffee and get some clothes for us,” he whispered. “I’ll be right back.” He leaned in closer to peck Dan gently on the forehead, his lips getting caught by the curls falling across his face.

Dan smiled softly. He reached for the blanket, but Phil grabbed it away from him and laid it across Dan’s body before he turned and walked away.

Dan took a moment to remember the night before. All the details of the night. In his absence, Dan thought of the cool expanse of Phil’s skin against his. He could still feel the tickle of Phil’s lashes against his cheek, and the way their hands knotted together when they needed something to hold onto. What he remembered most was the overwhelming sense of security he felt in Phil’s arms the night prior, which he hadn’t experienced in a very long time.

Phil returned in emoji pajama bottoms and a grey pocket tee. He carried Dan’s joggers and a hoodie folded over one forearm, and carefully set a flooded mug one the side table. He sipped from his own before sitting next to Dan, offering the clothes, and fixating his gaze on the swirling liquid.

Dan giggled underneath his breath. Even before they had sex, being naked around each other wasn’t the end of the world. Somehow, the fact that Phil tried to protect whatever modesty Dan may keep only endeared him more in Dan’s eyes. He slid the joggers on and fought until the hoodie cooperated with him. He grabbed his coffee off the table and blew on it gently, taking a slow drink, perfect.

“I’ll go first if you don’t want to,” Phil said, causing Dan to snort a bit of his coffee. Phil cracked a smile despite the atmosphere.

“Go for it,” Dan said, setting his mug aside and turning to his friend.

Phil hesitated. He hadn’t expected this to be so easy, which made the rest difficult.

“I guess, I’ll start by apologizing, because from the start of this I know I played a role, and I’ve been putting all the blame on you, and,” he was beginning to ramble. He glanced up to Dan’s eyes. “And I said some really crappy things when you had enough of a burden already. I wasn’t helpful, and I was a bad friend.”

“Phil you already apologized for that,” Dan started.

“And-” Phil continued, despite Dan’s interruption, “it’s all been because I like you. I didn’t know that then, but I know that now. I can’t walk away from this without telling you that-” he stopped.

Phil sighed and looked for the answers in the bottom of his coffee. It was the first time it ever betrayed him.

“Without telling me what, Phil?” Dan asked. He waited. He tried to give him the time to find the words. He tried to be patient. Dan was not a patient person.

“Tell me what? Come on, it can’t be that bad,” he encouraged.

“I want to be with you, Dan.”

“I want that too.” He leaned to the side until his head rested on Phil’s shoulder. Phil dropped his head until he felt Dan’s tangled mop of hair against his cheek. They sat like this, soaking in each other’s presence, until the sun rose above the horizon and the golden light washed over their faces.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me at phanarchy.tumblr.com!


End file.
